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Thames Clippers aren't really meant to be used as sightseeing boats because they don't offer any commentary and the only open-air seats are a few rows at the back (all the rest are indoors). You're supposed to use them like a bus, going from pier to pier up the river -- you can even use your Oyster card on them, tapping down on the same yellow readers that you find on all the buses and trains.
Their one saving grace is that they operate the longest route of any company: fifteen miles from Putney to North Greenwich. But unfortunately there's no one single boat that encompasses the entire stretch. I'm standing here waiting for the Putney boat at the moment, which goes as far as Parliament, but then you have to get off and catch another one to Greenwich. And you know how lazy I am (very lazy), and my knees are playing up this morning, so the thought of having to switch boats halfway through the journey doesn't exactly fill me with glee.
Photo: londondrum.comRB6 route from Putney pier
But anyway... I quite like Putney. I think it's quite a nice stretch of water but there's no real reason for a tourist to come here. There are no attractions, no landmarks or anything like that, just a high street full of shops. If you're a tourist then you'll probably want to board the boat at the London Eye or Embankment instead, but I've got a whole day to waste so I don't care. I am here from sunrise until sunset. I am here forever. If I could catch a boat to the edge of the world and drop off the end then I'd do it, but I don't think they take you that far (not for sixteen quid fifty).
Photo: londondrum.comWe don't get going for another ten minutes so the boat is gently rolling on the water as the motor ticks over. No one is quite awake yet. The cafe guy is sleepwalking around in his Costa coffee apron asking everyone if they want to buy a drink, and a couple of kids are yawning at each other as if they're having a silent conversation. Then all of a sudden the noise begins, the captain switches on the diesel engine and it's like a farm tractor coughing up blood. It's spluttering and chuntering and spewing out fumes from the back and when he kicks open the motor it's like being thrust into the face of a force ten gale.
There's nothing much to see between Putney and Chelsea so you can let your camera have an extra ten minutes in bed. It's all parkland and riverside flats around here, but we're under way now so I'm happy. There's something very relaxing about sitting at the back of the boat with the cold wind and the seagulls.
There's a bit of excitement at Chelsea Harbour because while we're waiting at the pier a lady comes clattering down the jetty with her arms waving around like the broken blades of a windmill, trying desperately to stop the boat from pulling away. We all know that she's got two minutes to spare but we're having fun watching her anyway. Two minutes later we're still sitting here and she's still huffing and puffing in her seat, trying hard to get her breath back. Now an old guy has just got on with a troop of dogs all tangled up in their leads. He's taking them for walkies on a boat (no joke).
That's exactly what this boat is like: it's more like a floating bus than a sightseeing tour. The rest of our motley crew is made up of cyclists and their bicycles, old couples with their shopping bags and magazines, city businessmen with their heads buried in their laptops, and a couple of mums with very complicated looking pushchairs.
Royal Hospital & Battersea Power Station
Photo: londondrum.comWe're passing Chelsea now, which is where the actual landmarks start. You can see the Royal Hospital on the left and the Peace Pagoda on the right (a huge golden Buddha on the edge of Battersea Park). Then you pass the big brown bulk of Battersea Power Station which seems to have a chimney missing today (apparently they've taken it down to restore it, which sounds a bit counter-productive to me). Battersea looks like a massive building site at the moment, half-hidden in cranes and scaffolding.
After Battersea comes the top secret MI6 building (which absolutely everyone in the world knows about courtesy of that James Bond movie), and then the riverbanks start filling up with million pound flats as we get closer to Big Ben and Westminster.
Photo: londondrum.comBig Ben, Parliament & London Eye
After Big Ben comes Victoria Embankment where you need to get off (end of the line). You can either stay on the jetty and catch the next one to North Greenwich or you can cross over the bridge and catch it from the London Eye pier instead. It doesn't matter which one you choose because the same boat goes to both.
Photo: londondrum.comIf you want to take a break from the river then I recommend having a walk through the middle of Embankment station and down Villiers Street to Trafalgar Square and Nelson's Column. If you want to follow in my footsteps then try and grab that window seat in the Caffè Nero overlooking Trafalgar Square -- that's my seat. If there's a scruffy bloke sitting in it then that's probably me.
St. Paul's Cathedral & The Shard
Photo: londondrum.com
Back on the boat... the landmarks come thick and fast from this point on so you might have to swivel your eyes on separate stalks to see everything. First up is Cleopatra's Needle on the left, then the Royal Festival Hall on the right, then Temple (left), Tate Modern (right), St. Paul's Cathedral (left), Globe Theatre (right), The Shard (right), The Monument (left)... can you remember when our cameras could only take thirty-two photos and then we'd have to send the film reel in to the chemist? (I'm showing my age now.) Thank Christ it's not like that anymore because we'd rapidly run out of photos.
Tower of London & Tower Bridge
Photo: londondrum.comNow we're passing my favourite part of London: the Square Mile. You've got the big guns of HMS Belfast first, then the castle walls around the Tower of London, then the mock-Gothic barricade of Tower Bridge. Once you've passed under the bridge the skipper will kick open the motor and head into the rough water towards Canary Wharf.
Photo: londondrum.com
The stretch between Tower Bridge and Greenwich is my favourite part of the river; not because of the landmarks (there aren't any) but because you really begin to feel as if you're heading out to sea. The boat begins to roll around and get choppy. The wind gets noisy. The flag starts straining on its pole like it's trying to break free. The riverside warehouses and wharves are getting lost in a curtain of rainwater that's making a tin-drum racket on the roof. I can forget about taking any photos now because there are vertical puddles forming on the windows.
It is absolutely terrible weather for a tourist but I don't care because this is how I like it -- wet and grey and getting blacker by the minute. Am I putting you off this trip? I hope not, because why does everything have to be done in the sun? This lousy weather is as much a part of London as Big Ben and Buckingham Palace.
I've decided that I'm going to brave the wet weather outside so I wobble down the aisle towards the back of the boat, holding onto the back of the seats for balance, and when I open the door the combination of rain and spray means that I have to hold my hand up like a visor to see anything.
There seems to be a squadron of seagulls following along behind us. They must be attracted by the water churn and I feel like a fighter pilot with a load of heat-seeking missiles on his tail. We need to let out some chaff (some breadcrumbs) to lose them. We need some tourists at the back to act as rear gunners, clicking their digital cameras (their machine guns) at the chasing planes.
Greenwich, Cutty Sark & O2 Arena
Photo: londondrum.comMost of the sightseeing boats finish at the Cutty Sark but the Thames Clippers continue on to North Greenwich. The view isn't very pretty round here because it's all plastic flats and factories, but it's worth the wait when you see the O2 Arena and cable car up ahead. Check out my review of the cable car because you can't come all this way and not give it a go.
If you enjoy Uber Boat by Thames Clippers then you might like to visit City Cruises (you can walk it in 6 mins) and Thames River Sightseeing (you can walk it in 6 mins). You might like to ride it all the way to the O2 and catch the cable car back across the river
