I climbed up The Monument today – never again. I’m done with stairs. You have to go through the little door at the front where a member of staff wedged into a cubbyhole about the size of a shoebox gives you a little leaflet saying there are only 311 steps to the top, but I think they must have miscounted because it seemed like ten times that to me. They wind up tightly for a million miles and it just goes on forever and ever. I thought I was going to come out onto the surface of the moon, that is how long it took me to climb it.
Climbing up The Monument
After two minutes my chest was thumping, my legs were shaking, my heart was pounding loud enough to make a sound… it wouldn’t be so bad if it was all one-way traffic but you frequently have to hug the stone wall to allow a descending stream of sightseers to squeeze past. As soon as they hear your shoes slapping on the stairs below they quickly hog the wide section of the spiral, forcing you to gingerly tiptoe round the narrow bit. If you stumble on the way past them then down you’ll go, like a marble in Kerplunk, bouncing down to the bottom of the column until you’re just a skin bag full of dust.
Apparently suicidal people used to come up here and hurl themselves off the top, but I reckon a fair few of them must have died just climbing up the stairs. I certainly thought I was dying. I thought it was the end – my eyesight was turning black and white. I was telling myself to keep on climbing godammit, just keep on climbing towards the light. If I was going to die then I was damn well going to do it at the top.
It took me nine minutes to finish and that was followed by another ten minutes of me collapsed against a wall trying to think happy thoughts and slow my heartbeat down.
View from the balcony
Eventually I’d recovered enough to look at the view and it was a bit disappointing, to be honest, because it’s a very small space on the balcony (a lot smaller than it looks from the ground) and you’re trapped inside a giant wire mesh. It’s a bit like being a budgie in a birdcage. I seem to remember there being a couple of coin-operated telescopes in the corners the last time I came up here, but they’ve all disappeared now. And there are no plaques of the skyline either.
How about a game of I-Spy while you’re up there? See if you can spot these famous landmarks… I’m not giving you any points for Tower Bridge because that’s far too easy. But how about City Hall and the Tower of London? Southwark Cathedral and the Golden Hinde are a bit more of a challenge. You can’t see Big Ben because it’s hidden behind an office block, but you can make out the Victoria Tower at the other end of Parliament. And if you spot the top of Westminster Cathedral then you’re a genius (and I do mean the Cathedral, not the Abbey). The London Eye is easy-peasy, but how about Cleopatra’s Needle? That is my final challenge to you – I’m not letting you head back down until you see the Egyptian obelisk.
Happily the walk back down is a lot easier, and when you finally stumble down the final few steps the lady will be waiting to give you a little certificate, so you can prove to the world that you were dumb enough to climb it.
If you enjoy this then try One New Change (walk it in 12 mins or travel from Monument to St Pauls via tube); The Shard (you can walk it in 7 mins) and Sky Garden (you can walk it in less than 3 mins). You can’t visit The Monument and not have a walk down Pudding Lane next-door, and see where the Great Fore of London actually started
