I honestly don’t know why this place is so popular. Every time I catch a bus down the Euston Road I see a queue stretching out down the pavement with a couple of hundred people in it. The sun goes up and down while they’re waiting. Civilisations rise up and get conquered. Stars are born, mountains are formed, epochs come to a cataclysmic end. They come to London for seven days and probably spend six of them standing here. So that’s why you definitely need to buy your ticket online beforehand (trust me, you really do). You’ll get a few quid knocked off the price and twenty minutes shaved off the tedious wait.
Celebrity waxworks
The first room you enter is a big Hollywood-style shindig with Brad Pitt standing twenty feet from Angelina (even their waxworks aren’t talking to each other). You can have your photo taken next to George Clooney and then try and fool your friends back home that you met him in real life (they won’t be fooled). I quite like Arnie dressed up as the Terminator and Bruce Willis looks good in his blood-stained vest from Die Hard.
I’m pretty sure they’ve got Bruce Lee and Bruce Springsteen somewhere around here as well so that’s three different Bruces on show, and it’s not often that you get to see a collection of famous Bruces. All they need is Ken Bruce from Radio 2 and the set will be complete.
Famous sport stars
Then come the sports stars. They’ve got Mo Farah doing his Mo-bot pose, Usain Bolt doing his bow and arrow pose, and a moody Mourinho looking like Tom Cruise from Cocktail. After that comes a gaggle of good guys: Gandhi, the Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu and Martin Luther King. Next to them is a corner full of clever dudes: Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton and Stephen Hawkins. This whole area reminds me of the Natural History Museum, but instead of stuffed animals it’s full of stuffed humans.
Music stars
Then comes a very shoddy looking Elvis, The Beatles lounging around on a sofa, and everyone from Michael Jackson and Madonna to Bob Marley and Adele, plus some scantily clad singers who I’m basically too old to recognise. The five guys from One Direction are still here as well – didn’t they split up ages ago? If it was me I would melt them down and turn them into the Bee Gees (that’s three), Engelbert Humperdinck (that’s four, or four-and-a-half if you include his sideburns) plus one more… maybe Des O’Connor.
The Queen & Royal Family
Their Henry VIII isn’t too bad, but Elizabeth I looks more like Helen Mirren than Helen Mirren does. The Queen’s up on the big stage with Prince Philip, Charles, Camilla, William and Harry… but where’s Meghan and Kate? Even Diana gets a look in (but on a separate stage of course – they can’t stomach her standing next to the real royals). In fact, that’s one of the most amusing things about the whole place… seeing which people get shunted into a secondary spot.
Prime Ministers & Presidents
I quite enjoyed seeing Boris Johnson standing outside No.10 because the last time I came here they had David Cameron standing next to him, but he seems to have disappeared without trace now. He’s been melted down whilst his arch nemesis has survived! And Donald Trump has dispatched Obama to the side stage with President Kennedy… but no doubt he’s about to be ousted as well. But where’s Maggie gone? They’ve got rid of Maggie Thatcher! How can they include Angela Merkel and not our very own Iron Lady?
The famous Chamber of Horrors has disappeared as well. I’m guessing that it must have been too scary for the little kids because they’ve replaced it with a Sherlock Holmes attraction instead. It’s been transformed into the cobbled, foggy streets of Victorian London and you get led from scene to scene by a load of hammy actors. It’s a bit like those interactive skits they have at the London Dungeon, where you stand in the shadows for fifteen minutes hoping you don’t get hauled out of the crowd.
Spirit of London taxicab ride
You’ll definitely enjoy the Spirit of London ride. What they do here is sit you down in a time-travelling taxi cab and send you on a journey through five hundred years of British history. It starts off in Tudor times with pipe-playing musicians and dancing nobles, then comes the plague and the Great Fire of London, and Christopher Wren rebuilding St. Paul’s Cathedral.
The taxicabs are constantly twisting and turning all the time to show you the sights and sounds around you, but it’s not like a fairground waltzer. It’s all very slow and sedate – a bit like driving through a movie. You’ll see Nelson at the Battle of Trafalgar, Dickens in the smoky streets of Industrial London, Churchill over the smouldering ruins of the Blitz, and the whole thing ends with a big knees-up outside Buckingham Palace with a load of singing soldiers, some can-can coppers, a motorbiking old granny, and some city-suited gents in a rowing boat (don’t ask). It’s all completely and utterly mad, but a lot of fun.
The Spirit of London ride is definitely the best part of Madame Tussauds but it’s ruined a tiny bit by their blatant attempts to squeeze some more money out of you. They have obviously realised that once you’re strapped inside the taxi you’re a captive audience, because they’ve plastered the backs of the cabs in front with billboard ads for West End shows. The whole place is a lot like that and they’re constantly trying to flog you some extra stuff. Pose for a photo, sir? Would you like some sweets, madam? They’ve erected big cinema stands selling Coke and crisps and popcorn in every exhibition space and people are constantly harassing you to stand and pose for a photo, which you can purchase for megabucks at the end. If you already thought the entrance fee was a bit pricey then that’s nothing, because you can easily spend another thirty quid walking around the displays.
Marvel Superheroes 4D Cinema
If you were a kid in the eighties then you might remember the old planetarium they had next-door (that big green dome you can see on the street). They’ve turned it into a big cinema now, showing a Marvel superhero story in 4D (3D is so last century). 4D is basically the same as 3D but with vibrating seats and water sprayed in your face. Your kids will probably enjoy it but it’s really just a cartoon about Iron Man and Captain America blowing up a big robot.
Their final money-making wheeze is to herd everyone through the shop like sheep, whether you want to go or not. The only escape from Madame Tussauds is to file past shelves selling touristy tat. And then they march you past a coffee shop as well. Then the guards strip-search you on the way out just to make sure that all your money is definitely gone before they finally agree to let you leave. (Okay, I might have made that last bit up.)
In summary then… I usually slate this place because of the high price but I’ve actually mellowed on it a bit now. I still think the entry fee is totally ridiculous, and the queues are still far too long, but it’s a decent enough way to pass a morning if you don’t mind the cost.
If you enjoy this then try London Dungeon (catch a tube from Baker Street to Waterloo); Shrek’s Adventure (catch a tube from Baker Street to Waterloo) and Warner Bros. Studios Tour. You can buy a combo ticket for Madame Tussauds and all of these family attractions: London Eye, London Dungeon and London Aquarium
