I hate the London Dungeon. I actually hate it… in the same way that cats hate dogs. I know that’s a very strong word to use about something that’s supposed to be fun, but there you go – that’s the truth. The scariest thing about the London Dungeons, for me, is the thought of having to visit it. I went there a couple of years ago and the best bit was walking out of the exit, so when they announced that they were going to move it from Tooley Street and rebuild it at the County Hall, I knew that meant I was going to have to visit it again… aaargh! My worst nightmare!
While you’re queuing up at the start you can hear a soundtrack of moans and groans and blood curdling screams coming from deep inside the building. They are not actors doing that – that is the actual sound of tourists as they discover how much it costs to take a family inside. That is probably the scariest thing about the whole place for an adult: the price. You can see them walking around with pained expressions on their faces, as if they have just undergone some horrific form of torture. The first bit of terror for them is stumping up ninety-five quid for a family of four.
When I was taken to the Dungeons as a child (many moons ago) I remember it being more like a museum, where you could walk around at your own pace looking at all of the gruesome exhibits, but it’s not like that anymore. It’s more like a guided tour now, in which you get led from scene to scene in a big group of about twenty people. It begins in a dark warren of smelly cells where the prisoners clank and bang their chains behind the closed doors, then it’s all fiery red lanterns and dirty cobbled streets and actors in gruesome suits and costumes. A lot of it depends on how good the actors are, and to be fair to them they were pretty entertaining today. A couple of them really got into their characters and had the whole room smiling and laughing at their gags.
I should probably just warn you that it is extremely dark inside (even darker than dark) and some of the noises are incredibly loud. You will have invisible bangs and cracks and screams and squeals going off two feet from your face and there is no let up to the darkness for ninety-minutes – no bright scenes at all – it’s pretty relentless. They’ve even pumped in some foul smelling odours to assault your nostrils.
I was very thankful today that my group had a lot of children in it because they always seem to get picked on as the victims. Practically every scene involves the actor singling out a stranger to get shouted at, stabbed at, strung up, locked in a cage… you get the idea.
It is a very interactive show and the odds of you having to say something along the way are quite high. And because we were a British group we all just stood there hugging the walls hoping not to get picked, because it’s embarrassing having to scream whilst they’re pretending to spoon out your brains. I’m not exactly the life and soul of a party so this wasn’t much fun for me (that’s why I hate the place). But of course everybody is different, and I’m sure that lots of people will absolutely love being the centre of attention.
Let’s see if I can remember all of the scenes…
Henry VIII & Guy Fawkes
It starts off with a scary lift ride down to the docks, which shakes about a bit whilst it lurches left and right. Then you have a nice little boat ride through Traitor’s Gate where you meet Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn. This bit will blow your eardrums out and spray you with water, but it’s quite a fun start if you don’t mind being deaf and drenched. Then you meet one of Guy Fawkes’ co-conspirators hiding in the tunnels under Parliament. I thought that this guy deserved an Oscar for his acting because he was brilliant.
Jack The Ripper & Sweeney Todd
Somebody will get picked on at this point, and ordered to carry a warning letter into the next scene where you’ll meet Guy Fawkes himself (well… just his head). Then you have to brave the plague, watch somebody getting sliced up by a doctor, and walk through the foggy streets of Whitechapel where Jack the Ripper pounced on his victims. Then it’s into Mrs Noggin’s pie shop and Sweeney Todd’s barber shop.
The Kangaroo Court
After that comes my least favourite scene of all: the Kangaroo Court. You’re either going to like this one or loathe it, because what they do is stick a few people in the dock and laugh at them. Every time I’ve seen it (which is a couple of times now) I’ve ended up feeling very sorry for the poor tourists who can’t speak decent English, can’t understand why they’re being laughed at, and clearly had no wish to be singled out.
After that you get led into Newgate Prison and the final ride, where you get strapped into a seat and drop ten metres to your death – and the exit… hooray!
On their website they recommend that your kids are over the age of eight, and I think that’s probably about right. Some of the scenes are definitely scary enough to make a little kid cry.
If you enjoy this then try Clink Prison Museum (walk it in 26 mins or travel from Waterloo to London Bridge via tube) and London Bridge Experience (walk it in 28 mins or travel from Waterloo to London Bridge via tube). If you like scary things then how about a Ghost Tour at Hampton Court? Or what about a Jack The Ripper Tour? You might also enjoy a Ghost Bus Tour
