Madame Tussauds
Madame Tussauds is the biggest tourist trap in London but has got two big drawbacks: the cost and the queues. You could easily spend sixty minutes waiting outside and then all you do is walk from room to room looking at the wax mannequins.
If they were proper robots jumping around and singing and dancing, like they did at the old Rock Circus at the Trocerdo Centre (I'm going back a few years now) then that would be great. But they're just stuffed humans. It's a bit like going to see all the stuffed animals at the Natural History Museum, but at least that place is free. A family of four can blow the best part of 1 hundred quid getting into Madame Tussauds.
And the whole attraction is so obviously set-up to relive you of as much money as possible... they try and flog you food, drink, crisps and photos as you walk around, "Want a drink, sir? Pose for a photo, sir?" They even bombard you with ads whilst you're sitting on a ride... I could go on and on. Just read my review and you will understand.
London Dungeon
Lots of people love the London Dungeon but I don't like the way that they drag shy punters up onto the stage and make them say stuff to the crowd. (I'm starting to sound like Victor Meldrew now... sorry about that!) It's almost as if you become part of the show, and have to put on a performance yourself.
I accept that a lot of people will absolutely love being the centre of attention, but loads of people will find the possibility of doing some public speaking more terrifying than the exhibits.
The last time I was there, for example, one poor tourist had to lie on a table screaming his head off whilst they pretended to spoon out his brains. Another guy got tied to a stake whilst felt flames licked around his feet.
I suppose you'll either love it or hate it.
Tate Modern art gallery
Modern art is definitely an acquired taste but perhaps you like it. If you do then give the Tate Modern a try. Or if you fancy a good laugh, then give it a try as well.
I don't mind looking at all the famous names like Picasso and Andy Warhol, and to be fair they do have lots of them like Salvador Dali, Mark Rothko, Degas, Braque and Pollock, but they also have artworks that are nothing more than a mirror, a curtain or a flat plank of wood. The last time I went in there they had a bathroom urinal on display.
You can see a box of empty coke bottles, a piece of galvanised guttering, fluorescent strip lights that have been stacked up against a wall... painting a bowl of apples is art, but just placing a mouldy old orange on a table is not.
Open-top sightseeing buses
Sightseeing buses are way over-priced and they take up way too much time. I like them better when they've got a live guide on board providing some commentary at the front, but when you're just sitting in the traffic for two hours listening to bombastic classical anthems on your headphones you start to wonder why you wasted thirty quid.
I'm also very cynical of the way that sightseeing bus companies pile on as many freebies as they can to make it seem like a good deal: ten walking tours, ten boat tours, ten of this and ten more of that, plus cheap entry into two million attractions... but only eight hours to do them all in!
And what really winds me up is the way they describe it as a 24-hour ticket when the buses only operate for eight or nine hours a day. Because lots of tourists have the bright idea of using their hop-on hop-off ticket as an alternative to buying a London travelcard, but what are they supposed to do in the evening? It's nothing like a travelcard at all.
The loops generally only run in one direction as well, so if a tourist catches a sightseeing bus from Trafalgar Square to St. Paul's and then wants to return the other way, there's nothing to do but ride the loop all the way round for another two hours.
Take a tip from me: if you want to go on a sightseeing tour than catch a boat instead, which is a lot more fun.
Speakers' Corner & Princess Diana Memorial Fountain
Speakers' Corner is full of Bible bashers, angry young men and weirdos.
And then we come to the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain in Hyde Park... if the Prime Minister announced that they were going to honour me like this then I would refuse to die. I was no big fan of Princess Di when she was alive, but even I thought she deserved something better than a stone ring-road full of rotting leaves and foamy water with brown bubbles on top.
The author Craig Cross owns londondrum.com and has spent the last decade reviewing the capital’s landmarks, attractions and hotels. His guidebook London Squire is available from Amazon. This post was written on
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