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I thought I’d really love this place, but before I explain why I don’t let me get all of the plaudits out of the way first. It’s situated right on the bend of Aldwych about five minutes from Trafalgar Square and two minutes from Covent Garden, so the location is great and the outside looks fantastic with its warm yellow lamplights and fancy black iron work (especially on a rainy night).
Bedroom at the Waldorf Hilton
The room is nice and big as well. In fact, it’s probably the second largest room that I’ve ever slept in. But here’s the downside… it’s all shiny white with white walls, white doors, a white bed… a bottle of water and clean glasses on the side. Big mirrors everywhere (seven of them). The bathroom is white. Everything is white. This entire room is white.
Photo: londondrum.comWhenever you see a lunatic locked up in a padded room, the room is invariably white. It’s like sleeping in a goddam hospital. There are a couple of arty black-and-white photos of Marlene Dietrich above my bed and in my hospital frame of mind I’m imagining them to be backlit x-rays of my skull. Any minute now I’m expecting a doctor to walk in and deliver me some bad news.
Photo: londondrum.comI’m probably being a bit harsh… if the only thing that I can complain about is the whiteness of the room then it can’t be too bad, can it? Happily they do give you plenty of extras as well: a big TV, a clock radio, ironing board, teapot, teabags and coffee, minibar, dressing gown and slippers (both white).
You also get about ten light switches but only seven lights. I wonder what the other ones are for? That is one of the annoying joys of moving into a new hotel room: trying to work out which switch does what. Sometimes they try and confuse you with a master switch which toggles off all the other ones before you’ve had a chance to turn them on. And it was whilst I was standing there doing this that I noticed a dim little lightbulb by the skirting board, about six inches off the floor. Have you ever seen such a thing? You literally have to get down on your hands and knees to see it.
One thing that really winds me up about 5-star hotels is the crazy amount of money they want for things you usually get for free in a 3-star hotel. For example (and you are not going to believe this), for two-days access to the hotel’s Wi-Fi they want £26 quid. I’m being serious! That is a total rip-off. There are no other words to describe it. (Obviously I still paid it though, because I’m an idiot.)
The Waldorf’s bar and restaurant
Things improve considerably when you get out of the room and into the bar. It’s just a tiny little room decorated with dark wood and low lights (barely on), soft jazz playing in the background, and everyone’s wearing a suit. Luckily I can just about blag it as a smart man today because I’m wearing my funeral trousers and job interview shirt. I’ve ordered one of those super-strong coffees in a thimble-sized cup and it’s almost like smoking a cigarette – I’m havin to stifle a cough every time I have a sip.
The breakfast is very nice. It takes place in a big dining hall with faux-Roman columns lining the side (imagine a mini-Banqueting House, but without the Rubens on the roof). There are lots of super-smart staff floating around, lots of city suits and shirts and ties eating breakfast with their papaer, and that soft acoustic jazz floating around in the background again.
You can help yourself to all the usual stuff: sausages, eggs, bacon, beans, toast, cereals, fruit, etc. But no Sugar Puffs. It’s all Greek yoghurt and granola. One day I will find a 5-star hotel that serves Sugar Puffs and my quest will be complete.
