I’m watching two ducks having a fight and it’s quite exciting. They’re skimming the lake and flapping and scrapping and squawking and it’s definitely going to end in a few feathers missing. It was quite relaxing sitting here until those two hoodlums came along.
They’ve got a lot of ducks in Regent’s Park. I’m pretty sure they’re ducks. But I’m not much of a birder so maybe there’s only one type of bird with different outfits on. The mallards like a shiny green waistcoat with orange waterproof boots, whilst others have gone for a dark brown tweed or a smart black suit (the coots). The unfussy pigeons prefer a simple grey suit and bright red socks – I think of them as the businessman of the bird world. They are the middle-aged men you see stepping off the trains every day in fraying suits and scuffed-up shoes.
This is actually quite a decent place to come if you want to do a bit of bird watching because they’ve got ducks, geese, herons… all sorts. The best looking bird in here is the swan. If you had to marry a bird for a bet then it would definitely be a swan, no doubt about it. But’s a bit of a lousy life though, isn’t it… now that I’ve been sitting here for five minutes I’m starting to feel a bit sorry for them because they’ve basically got themselves all tarted up for nothing. They just float around waiting for somebody to chuck them a bit of bread and when someone finally obliges a quick little duck steams across and steals it.
They’ve got a lot in common with prisoners, I think (I have just realised this) because that’s all they eat – bread and water. Stale bread and water, the feast of swans and Wormwood Scrubs. And they both wear tags around their ankles as well. I came here thinking that they’d make a beautiful bride but just five minutes later I see them for what they really are: narcissistic criminals surviving on soggy stale bread with electronic tags around their ankles. How the mighty have fallen.
Queen Mary’s Rose Gardens
Queen Mary’s Gardens is the prettiest part of the park and is famous for its roses. That’s also where you’ll find the nicest cafe in the park. There are actually five of them dotted around the grounds but the Garden Cafe is definitely the best because you can have a proper sit down meal (it’s like a big restaurant). This is the place to take your grandmother on a Sunday. Show her the roses and have a cup of tea afterwards.
Boating lake & Boathouse cafe
Regent’s Park also has a giant boating lake with some blue boats at the top end that you can hire out with your kids, but I’ve just been sitting here watching the people pedal them and decided that they’re death traps best avoided. They’re using them like bumper cars, bashing into their buddies and trying to sink them. It’s like a Toy Town version of the Battle of Trafalgar.
I’m at the second cafe now – the Boathouse Cafe. This is the rubbish one. Lots of noise. Big queues. This is where you come to pay for the boats so it’s full of families and kids and pigeons and litter. There are very few seats inside and three thousand hyperactive children running around the patio. One of the toddlers has just tripped over on the concrete and is screaming so loudly that the birds are fleeing from the trees. Don’t bring your grandmother to this one or she’ll write you out of her will.
The northern half of the park is just a flat and featureless pasture of grass and sports fields. You’ll see a little hill in the middle with a building on top – that is cafe number three. Even if you don’t fancy a drink it’s still worth a quick climb for a distant view of London Zoo.
London Zoo & View of Mappin Terrace
The zoo occupies a northern corner of the park and you can have a walk along the southern edge for a sneaky little look inside some of the cages. The zoo is one of my favourite places in London so I’m happy having a free peek at the animals. The most obvious attraction is the big mountain range on the far left – the Mappin Terrace. It looks like it should have some lions and tigers grazing on top but it’s actually full of wallabies and emus (it’s their Outback zone). If you stick around long enough then you should be able to see some wandering around the flat bit at the bottom. The brown brick building next-door is called the Mappin Pavilion, but you won’t be able to see any animals there.
After that come a couple of cages full of furry brown ferret-like creatures (they’re too far away for my poor eyes to see, but maybe you can manage it). And a little further on is a small patch of grass underneath some netting – that’s a tiny section of the Tiger Territory. Most of the territory is hidden behind a wall but if you’ve got enough patience to wait then you might get lucky and see one.
The concrete building with the green pepper pots on top is the famous old elephant house, but they got rid of the elephants ages ago and it’s full of bearded pigs these days (which you won’t be able to see). The mud-filled paddock next-door is home to the camels and you can usually get a good view of them.
After that are a few goats and the sandy coloured meerkats zone, then a couple of largely invisible bird cages (invisible, but not inaudible!). If you then take a left turn down the eastern edge of the zoo you can get a glimpse of the Bugs! house and some llama-like guys in a muddy pen, plus a very distant view of the penguins.
So there you go… you weren’t expecting that were you! There’s a surprisingly high number of animals that you can see for free from the path, and it’s well worth having a look.
If you’re walking the same route as me then you’ll now be heading south down a broad avenue on the eastern edge of the park. This will take you to the fourth cafe out of five – the Smokehouse. This one does burgers, hot dogs and sausages, and a bit further on is another little coffee shop and some ornamental gardens. I saw Tony Benn down here once, so keep your peepers peeled for him (although he’s dead now, so you probably won’t see him).
If you enjoy this then try Hyde Park (travel from Regents Park to Marble Arch via tube) and Kensington Gardens (travel from Regents Park to Queensway via tube). Whilst you’re at Regent’s Park you might like to have a look at London Zoo and Primrose Hill
