Photo: londondrum.comIf you want to impress your partner then show them a photo of the Royal Horseguards. Book a weekend away and then show them a photo of where they’re staying – I guarantee that they will be impressed. If you look at the hotel from across the river then it’s all Disney turrets and lamplights through the leafy trees. It’s the kind of hotel that you’d happily live in after winning the lottery.
Photo: londondrum.comThe room has all the usual stuff inside it: a bed, a desk, a chair, another chair, another big armchair, lots of drawers with nothing in them, an ice cooler with no ice in it, an iron, a pair of slippers, a dressing gown, three telephones, and a safe that nobody uses in case they forget the combination. And you get free Wi-Fi as well, which isn’t always the case with 5-star hotels.
They’ve been pretty generous with the teabags. You get a little wooden casket full of Twinings tea, plenty of coffees sachets, sugars and milks, plus a couple of biscuits. They actually give you more tea than I can drink in a day – and I can drink a lot of tea. The minibar is so stuffed full of drink and crisps and nuts that it rattles when you open the door, but of course the prices are totally crazy (as they always are in hotel minibars). Everything is literally triple the price it is in the shops.
Photo: londondrum.comThere’s no bath but the shower is bigger than my shed. It’s huge! You can probably fit about six people in it, all gathering round to watch the TV on the wall. And I’m being serious – there’s an actual TV screen inside the shower cubicle. And the marble floor must have under-floor heating because it’s like walking on carpet.
Photo: londondrum.com
Photo: londondrum.comThe restaurant is very nice. It’s all marble columns, marble floors, and portraits of old soldiers on the walls. The bookcases are filled with leathery old tomes that are too old to open, and the staff are waltzing around with red ties and waistcoats and silver trays balanced on upturned fingers.
I’m happy with the coffee and cornflakes but you could practically have a three-course breakfast if you want. You could start with fruit and yoghurt, follow it up with a plate of sausages, eggs, boiled potatoes and a bowl of olives, and finish it off with a croissant and five triangles of toast.
The customers who frequent this place all have very important things they need to do today. The two suits next to me are currently discussing the market’s reaction to something they’ve done and every sentence contains a phrase like ‘forcing audience direction’ or ‘company communication channels’. They are probably the kind of guys who make proper use of that TV in the shower, catching up on the Bloomberg news before breakfast.
The bar is nice and dark and gloomy (I like dark and gloomy). It’s the kind of place where you can think dark and gloomy thoughts over a little thimble of coffee. It’s so dark and gloomy that I’m actually wondering whether all the lightbulbs are broken. It’s decorated with lamps and candles and golden horse heads and the staff say things like “Yes, sir” and “You’re welcome, sir” but let me be honest: there’s no way that anybody can truly mistake me for a sir. I’m not even a mister. I’m barely even a guv. I should be calling them sir. But that’s part of the fun of staying in posh hotels, isn’t it? – you can pretend that you’re someone worth knowing; and for all they know, maybe you are.
As for the hotel’s location… it’s pretty much perfect. It’s on a very grand road that runs parallel with Whitehall. Horse Guards is just across the street and Trafalgar Square is four minutes down the road. You can walk to Big Ben in ten minutes.
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How to get to The Royal Horseguards
| Fare zone | Cash | Oyster & Contactless | Travelcard | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Single fare | Single fare | Daily cap | One day | ||||
| Peak | Off-peak | Peak | Off-peak | Anytime | Off-peak | ||
| Bus | n/a | £1.75 | £5.25 | £6 | |||
| Train (zone 1) | £7 | £2.90 | £2.80 | £8.90 | £8.90 | £16.60(zone 1-4) | £16.60(zone 1-6) |
| Train (zone 1-2) | £7 | £3.50 | £2.90 | £8.90 | £8.90 | ||
| Train (zone 1-3) | £7 | £3.80 | £3.10 | £10.50 | £10.50 | ||
| Train (zone 1-4) | £7 | £4.60 | £3.40 | £12.80 | £12.80 | ||
| Train (zone 1-5) | £7 | £5.20 | £3.60 | £15.30 | £15.30 | £23.60(zone 1-6) | |
| Train (zone 1-6) | £7 | £5.80* | £3.80* | £16.30 | £16.30 | ||
| * Journeys between zone 1 and Heathrow are always charged at the peak rate. Prices are correct as of | |||||||
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