Photo: londondrum.comOne of the downsides of staying in a 5-star hotel is that the pressure to be posh. You have to wear a shirt and shoes to breakfast and I hate all of that nonsense. I don’t want to strike up a “how are you today, sir” conversation every time I get in the lift either. You want to just relax and have a walk around but you feel like you’re on show all the time. It’s all right if you’re trying to impress somebody but I’m not – it’s just me. (It’s always just me.) And that’s why I like this place – because it’s a bit more normal and homely than most. It’s a posh hotel for non-posh people.
Photo: londondrum.comJust to show you how screwed up the hotel rating system is in London… half of the booking websites call this a 4-star whereas the other half call it a five. Personally I think it’s probably a four because the room is quite small (it’s tiny), but everything else about it is great. You get a TV that’s the same size as a dining table, a bed that sinks in deeper than the sea, a Nespresso coffee machine with a tray full of capsules, plus six tea bags and four milks. But some of the tea bags are of that watery oriental kind, like green tea and lemongrass. Are you supposed to put milk in those? I think I’ll just stick with the Nespresso machine because I know where I am with that.
You also get a minibar full of soft drinks snd alcohol. Let’s have a look at the prices: £2.50 for a fun-size can of Coke, £5 for a tiny bottle of red or white, £5 for a miniature bottle of vodka, whiskey or rum, £6 quid for a bag of peanuts and another £3.50 for half a tub of Pringles. So… there you go. If you’ve got money to burn then it’s perfect.
Photo: londondrum.comThe bathroom is nice enough. It’s got a toilet and a sink to brush my teeth – that’s all I need. It also has some scales and a stack of folded flannels and towels. What else can I find in here… a shower cap and a vanity pack. Would you like to know what’s inside a vanity pack? Me too! it has some some toothpicks, cotton buds, a nail file and a blindfold to help you go to sleep.
Do you want to know how much I weigh? I may as well stand on the scales seeing as they’re here. This is not the usual kind of thing that you get in a hotel review, but what the hell… eleven stone and a little bit. That’s not too bad. I’m quite proud of that – I might go and have that tub of Pringles in the minibar now.
The restaurant is more like a little breakfast room with seven tables. But the breakfast is okay. You get all the usual kind of stuff: scrambled eggs, sausages, baked beans, hash browns, slices of ham, cereals and toast.
One of the best things about the hotel is its location. It’s halfway up Shaftesbury Avenue, about two minutes from Piccadilly Circus. You can walk to Leicester Square in five minutes, Trafalgar Square in ten, and Big Ben in fifteen.
Twitter
Facebook
Bluesky
WhatsApp
Email
London Squire guidebook – Check out my Kindle guidebook, available to buy now at Amazon. I’ve spent the last twenty years visiting London’s landmarks, attractions and hotels and collected all of my reviews, example itineraries, advice about using the buses and trains, and handy practical info into an eBook, along with 650 original photographs
How to get to the Montcalm Piccadilly Townhouse
| Fare zone | Cash | Oyster & Contactless | Travelcard | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Single fare | Single fare | Daily cap | One day | ||||
| Peak | Off-peak | Peak | Off-peak | Anytime | Off-peak | ||
| Bus | n/a | £1.75 | £5.25 | £6 | |||
| Train (zone 1) | £7 | £2.90 | £2.80 | £8.90 | £8.90 | £16.60(zone 1-4) | £16.60(zone 1-6) |
| Train (zone 1-2) | £7 | £3.50 | £2.90 | £8.90 | £8.90 | ||
| Train (zone 1-3) | £7 | £3.80 | £3.10 | £10.50 | £10.50 | ||
| Train (zone 1-4) | £7 | £4.60 | £3.40 | £12.80 | £12.80 | ||
| Train (zone 1-5) | £7 | £5.20 | £3.60 | £15.30 | £15.30 | £23.60(zone 1-6) | |
| Train (zone 1-6) | £7 | £5.80* | £3.80* | £16.30 | £16.30 | ||
| * Journeys between zone 1 and Heathrow are always charged at the peak rate. Prices are correct as of | |||||||
Things to do in the West End
