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Let’s get straight down to the important stuff: number of teabags x2; milks x2; biscuits x3. So straight away that is more than you get at The Ritz, which is a good start. But you also get a wardrobe without any walls – it’s just a load of wire coat-hangars on a pole. But there’s a very good reason for that… because there isn’t enough room for a cupboard!
Inside a room at the Mercure Paddington
Photo: londondrum.comThis is supposed to be a 4-star hotel but it’s the smallest room I’ve ever slept in. If they put two single beds in here then the room would be totally full up (no joke). I’ll give you an example of how small it is: they’ve attached a trouser press to the wall but I can’t lower it down because it’s wedged against the curtains and the end of the bed. The plug socket is flush against the sheets and if I switched it on then I’d worry about setting fire to the bed. (Luckily I never do any ironing anyway, so it’s a moot point.)
And here’s something else I’ve never seen before: the window is made out of frosted glass. All of the interior rooms look out over a concrete courtyard so they’ve obviously decided to frost up all the glass to stop people staring at each other. So that basically means that I’ve got a window which is impossible to look out of.
Photo: londondrum.comSo how are we doing so far? Let’s have a quick little re-cap… it’s a 4-star room about the same size as my shed with a frosted window in it. I might steal one of the golden stars from the sign outside because they’re taking the mickey calling this a 4-star hotel.
The only thing that you’d need to do to turn this into a 2-star room is take out the teapot and trouser press, and that’s it. Then you can knock a hundred quid off the room rate.
Hotel bar and Garfunkel’s restaurant
And as for the bar… well that is even smaller than my bedroom. It’s literally just a desk next to reception with two tables in front of it. It’s a two-customer pub. Maybe I’m being a bit cynical here, but I reckon they just shoe-horned a bar into the corner so they could claim their fourth star.
The hotel’s only redeeming feature is its breakfast room and restaurant, which turned out to be the Garfunkel’s chain restaurant next-door (they’ve got their own door into it from the reception). They give you a voucher and let you can choose straight from the menu. Because it’s a proper high street restaurant and has nothing to do with the hotel it’s actually quite good. If the hotel ran it then they’d probably give you two baked beans and a thimble of tea.
So here’s my review, summed up in a single sentence: I’m not coming back here ever again. I’d rather stay at home – and that’s the truth! Luckily I don’t mind when I get a lousy room because I’m only here to write a review, and at least it gives me something to write about, but if I’d just blown two hundred quid on this as a tourist then I’d feel as if I’d been ripped off.
