UK Parliament Maria UngerHow to apply for a PMQs ticket
It's a bit of a rigmarole getting into Prime Minister's Questions (PMQs). It's only on for half-an-hour every Wednesday and you can't just turn up and queue, like you do on any other day of the week. What you have to do is write a letter to your local MP three months in advance begging for an invite. I told mine that if he delivered me a ticket then he would win a voter for life. Obviously I lied. The chance of me voting for my bloke is close to zero -- he's useless! But he did deliver on my ticket though, so fair play to him.
I sent my letter off at the beginning of January and got a spot in April, so that shows you how much forward planning you need to do -- a few months at least. If all goes according to plan then you'll end up with a headed letter from your MP's office which you can use to get past the gun cops on the gate.
Photo: londondrum.comSecurity inside the Houses of Parliament
Security is super tight today but I smile widely and they let me through after a thorough frisk and pat down. Once you're through security you need to head into Westminster Hall and then St. Stephen's Hall and Central Lobby. Then have a look around for the Reception Desk, and right next-door to that is the Admissions Order Office. Head in there and swap your headed letter for a proper ticket at one of the windows. Then fill in their form with about a hundred questions on it (name, address, occupation, embarrassing birthmarks, etc.) and then you can relax.
Photo: viator.comVisiting PMQs without a ticket
Bear in mind that the session starts at noon and you need to grab your ticket by 11:30 at the latest, otherwise they'll assume that you're not turning up and give it to the public waiting by the gate. (Important note for tourists: if you're wondering how you can visit when you haven't got a local MP to write a letter to then this is how you do it. You have to wait by the gate at 11:30 and hope that some of the tickets go unclaimed. The odds of that happening are very slim, but maybe you'll get lucky.)
Watching the Speakers' Parade inside Central lobby
I've got another thirty minutes to wait until they let everyone up to the gallery so I spend my time looking around Central Lobby. It rapidly fills up with another two or three hundred people and at 11:27 precisely the policemen suddenly come to life and order everyone out of the centre. Then he shouts out "Hats off!" as the Sergeant-At-Arms parades in with the ceremonial mace, and then the Speaker follows through, grinning and waving at the crowd and clearly enjoying being the centre of attention. Immediately after that there's another big bundle into the Admissions Office and they let everyone up the back stairs to the public gallery. At this point you have to hand over your camera because there's no photography allowed in the chamber.
The House of Commons public gallery
It's 11:35 now and PMQs doesn't start for another twenty-five minutes, so for the first half-an-hour you have to yawn your way through departmental questions. There's hardly anyone famous in the chamber yet, just a load of suits that nobody knows. It's a bit like watching an orchestra tuning up before the Proms. Any minute now the curtain will go up and the main players will bound out onto the stage.
Photo: Catherine Bebbington/Parliamentary CopyrightWe're looking down on the MPs from above, spying through a plate-glass window which I'm assuming they've installed to stop us throwing tomatoes at the politicians, and the sound is piped in through some speakers. It's a very curious effect, and removes you a little bit from the action. You can see them speaking and moving about in the chamber below but their voices are floating in from the sides. You can hear a general hubbub of supplementary voices as well, because no one bothers to keep quiet when the other MPs are talking. There's lots of muttering and chuntering on the back benches as people interrupt, shout, wave, make faces, and generally make plain their disdain for the opposition.
Prime Minister David Cameron
Things are starting to build up but there's still no sign of the PM. I guess he's going to make a grand entrance with party poppers, streamers and balloons. Oh, wait a minute... here he comes. Dave has arrived to a general cheer from the Tory side. He's sneaked in from behind the Speaker's chair and sat down without fanfare. Now he's pouring out a glass of water and puffing out his cheeks, geeing himself up for the fight.
Leader of the Opposition Ed Miliband
Here comes Ed Miliband and here we go, it's show time. Ding ding for round one. They've turned the microphones up to maximum and it's shaking the glass. Cameron must be in a bad mood this morning because he's very combative straight off the bat -- he isn't taking any prisoners today. Up comes Ed Miliband to huge cheers, as if they're welcoming a boxer to the ring. He is rising to his feet, and so am I. BOO! BOO! You suck pal, I shout, but he doesn't hear me over the cacophony of noise. The amount of sound in this place is incredible. The back-benchers are cheering and jeering and waving their arms about and if you've never been to the House of Commons before then you might have expected our politicians to behave impeccably, with great gravitas and dignity. Well... you'd be wrong. Let me explain to you what it's really like: imagine a room full of boisterous sixth-formers, all arguing about who is right when all of them are wrong. That's pretty much what it is: two hundred teenagers in Savile Row suits.
Miliband kicks off with some questions about Maria Miller (a disgraced MP who resigned this morning). Everything is aimed at Dave, though. That's all Ed cares about, pinning the blame on David Cameron. Someone else does something wrong, but it's all Dave's fault apparently. The noise bubbles up every time he spouts out a question and the Speaker has had enough and jumps out of his chair, pointing to a load of Brownies in the balcony in an attempt to shame everybody into silence. Doesn't work. Noise keeps coming.
It really is a bear pit down there, and I don't envy them their job at all -- it must be incredibly intimidating. They've got five rows of shouting MPs behind them and another five benches bearing down in front, plus a glaring gallery of reporters and the public boxed in to the balcony at the back. Not to mention the thick canopy of cameras and microphones hanging from the ceiling -- what an arena! The noise is bashing about their ears from all directions and they can hardly get a word heard. Now I know why they pipe in the sound through the speakers -- because we wouldn't be able to hear anything otherwise!
What a load of ham actors! They shout out their slogans and bat away the replies like they're idiotic lies. But every now and then we get a question that invokes total silence, like something on Ireland, Israel, or a terrible murder that has taken place. The MPs know when to hush up for a while but thankfully that doesn't last very long and the verbal punch-up continues straight after.
At 12:30 PM the whole thing comes to an abrupt halt and with the Speaker's final "Order! Order!" everybody files out. Everyone is up and out in five-seconds flat, probably off for a cup of tea somewhere, which is where I am going too -- they've got a nice little cafe adjoining Westminster Hall, and a little gift shop selling Parliament chocs and tea towels.
If you enjoy Houses of Parliament then you might like to visit Big Ben (you can walk it in less than 2 mins), Downing Street (you can walk it in 6 mins) and Parliament Square (you can walk it in less than 3 mins). If you like political debates then you might also enjoy a visit to the House of Commons and Mayor's Question Time at City Hall. You can also have a guided tour of Parliament
