Catherine Bebbington/Parliamentary CopyrightThe Houses of Parliament is one of those places that you'll be too scared to enter the first time you visit because you'll see the gun cops by the gate and start worrying if you're doing it right. But it's actually pretty easy to get inside -- you don't even need a ticket. (You do need a ticket if you visit between 12 noon and 1 PM on a Wednesday, because that's Prime Minister's Questions.)
Photo: londondrum.comAll you have to do is find the Visitors' Entrance halfway along the front of the building, opposite the back end of Westminster Abbey, where a couple of staff members will be standing behind a barrier. Flash them your friendliest smile (but try not to look too weird) and say something like "I'd like to visit the House of Commons public gallery please". If you manage to come across as relatively normal then they'll hand you a nicely laminated piece of green card and point you towards the policemen. (If you ask for the House of Lords then they'll hand you a piece of red card instead.)
Photo: londondrum.comA policeman will then deliver a totally superfluous speech about all the things you're not allowed to take inside: scissors, swords, knives, guns, bombs, ballistic missiles, tactical nuclear weapons, etc.
Then security will make you take your jacket off, your belt off, empty all the fluff out of your pockets, x-ray your coins, keys, phone and bones -- they probably probe your mind as well. Then you'll get a little visitor's pass to hang around your neck.
Entering the 1,000-year old Westminster Hall
Photo: londondrum.comAssuming you make it past all of that okay then you'll head round the corner through some big double doors and enter the 1,000-year-old Westminster Hall where they held the trials of Guy Fawkes and Charles I.
It's almost worth visiting Parliament just to see inside this one room. But before you check out the historical plaques on the floor notice the entrance to the cafe and gift shop on the right. You can buy a box of chocolates and other little bits and pieces in there, and I always like to have a quick cup of tea as well. It's just a tiny little cafe really (nothing special) but it's pretty cool being able to say you had a cup of tea in Parliament.
St. Stephen's Hall & The Strangers' Gallery
Photo: londondrum.com
Once you've walked the length of Westminster Hall head up the big steps and turn left. Now you have to sit inside St. Stephen's Hall for five minutes, maybe ten minutes, maybe half-an-hour -- it all depends on how busy it is. They don't have many seats inside the public gallery and people can basically stay for as long as they like, so you just have to wait patiently for a space to open up. There really is no knowing how long it will take, but I've been loads of times and never had to wait more than thirty minutes. The House of Lords is usually a bit quicker if you're in a rush.
Don't be too worried about the waiting time, though, because from the moment you step inside Westminster Hall you will be immensely impressed by the decor. I know I'm biased because I love London, but if the decorations inside Parliament don't knock your socks off then you may as well just go home right now. Even if you only get as far as St. Stephen's Hall and decide to bail out because of the queue, then I would still definitely recommend a visit -- that's how impressive it is.
When you're finally allowed to proceed a guard will ask you to fill in a form with your name and address and then he'll show you up some stairs to the Strangers Gallery. If this is your first visit then you'll probably be getting quite excited by this point.
Before you enter the chamber you'll have to pass through another little cloakroom and hand over your camera and mobile phone. Remember to have a quick look on the desk as you pass by because that's where you'll find a copy of the Order Paper. It's a white pamphlet about A4 size which lists all of the subjects up for discussion that day. It's extremely dull and tedious to read, but hey, how often do you get to sit inside the House of Commons? So you may as well grab one.
Public gallery at the House of Commons & House of Lords
The first time that you enter the public gallery will be one of those memorable moments that you'll remember forever. It's situated right at the top, at the same level as the lights, with a two-storey plate glass window between you and the chamber.
Photo: viator.comYou'll be looking down on the politicians' heads at the Speaker's chair, the bewigged clerks sitting beneath it, the front benches where the Prime Minister and Leader of the Opposition sit, and the central table where all the books are stacked up. You can't see anything further south than that, so if you were hoping to heckle the Lib Dems and SNP then bad luck. If you chose the House of Lords then you'll be looking towards the throne where the King sits during the State Opening of Parliament.
Photo: viator.comMost people try for the Commons but I actually prefer the Lords because the decorations are much more impressive in there. It's all reds and golds and chestnut browns with candelabras, chandeliers and stained glass windows... it looks like one of the State Rooms at Buckingham Palace. You also tend to get more famous faces in the Lords because it's a bit like our political Hall of Fame, full of old cabinet ministers from yesteryear.
I'm trying to see who I can recognise today... Robert Winston is definitely down there and Alan Sugar has got his hand clamped around his mouth like he's trying to stop his jaw falling off. I think I can see William Hague as well, but one bald head looks much like another from the balcony. He should write his name on top of his head in red felt-tip pen so we can identify him.
Shami Chakrabarti has just shuffled in and sat at the back behind Brian Paddick who ran for London Mayor and lost -- we have to call him Baron Paddick now -- Baron Brian. That's what happens when you run for public office and lose, you get elevated to the Lords. If the British public decide they don't want you then the political class rallies round and welcomes you into their club of losers, schmoozers, boozers and abusers.
One of the peers has been talking for a few minutes and I've just realised that I haven't heard a single word he's said (too busy writing this). His words are just out there, suspended in the air, and I'm still not listening to him even now. I listened just long enough to notice that I hadn't been listening, and then I stopped listening again.
I must admit that it's not exactly riveting entertainment once you've made it inside. One of the bishops looks like he's completely out for the count. If I was being charitable then I might describe him as being deep in prayer but nope -- he's definitely asleep. Another lady is lazily arranging the folds of her skirt across the top of her knee whilst the guy behind is staring up at the vine of wires suspended from the ceiling and flapping his tie back and forth across his shoulder. The red seats around him are strewn with folders and typed-up letters and he's trying to fight off the pins and needles by making little circular shapes with his foot.
I always come away from Parliament thinking that the politicians are a lot better behaved than they appear on TV. They only tend to show the noisy bits on the news, whereas in reality their discussions are very calm and considerate, and they talk about the issues with the seriousness they deserve.
Just as I was about to leave Peter Hain strolled in and nearly sat down next to Shami Chakrabarti before changing his mind at the very last second. His body was heading her way but his brain suddenly realised what it was doing and he ended up doing a difficult Twister move to avoid her. Poor old Shami. She's still sitting on her own and I feel a bit sorry for her now. Why don't you come up here and sit with us, Shami. You get a better view from the balcony. And we talk more sense up here as well.
If you enjoy Houses of Parliament then you might like to visit Big Ben (you can walk it in less than 2 mins), Downing Street (you can walk it in 6 mins) and Parliament Square (you can walk it in less than 3 mins). If you like watching political debates then try Prime Minister's Questions, Mayor's Question Time and the Common Council at Guildhall. If you want a more lively one then try Speakers' Corner at Sunday lunchtime
