I briefly thought about attending Oxford University as a student but they wouldn’t let me in – I’m too stupid. I’m so stupid that when I went to playschool I had to repeat a year – that’s how stupid I am. So I ended up getting my education at the school of life instead (I failed). So here I am, sitting at Paddington station waiting for the 8 o’clock train to Oxford, dreaming of what might have been.
This station is probably full of people dreaming about what might have been – we all want to be somewhere else, living somebody else’s life. Hopefully this train journey will wake me up a bit because I’m dozing off here; I’m not used to these early mornings. This is the kind of mood I’m in this morning… like a collapsed rainbow, or a cloud too close to the ground. But at least the weather is nice (it’s raining). Someone has put the sun on half-power this morning. Do you think it’s powering down? Oh I hope so! I wonder if it’s going to be like this in Oxford. I doubt it: Oxford is the kind of place where it’s permanent springtime. Whenever you see Oxford on the telly it’s full of blokes in boaters and summer shirts. The only kind of rain they have in Oxford is butterflies and apple blossom. That’s why I could never live there – it’s too damn beautiful.
But anyway… I have arrived now. And yes, it is sunny. The sun miraculously came out as soon as we pulled into the station (and I’m not even joking). I’ve got a long list of things to do here today and I’m going to try and squeeze them all into six hours. Then I will be able to tell you how much you can realistically cram into one day, and which places are better being skipped.
Your first impression of the city when you step out of the station will not be very good (you can trust me on this). It’s not like Oxford off the telly – it’s more like a concrete town and roadworks. But don’t worry, just have a ten-minute stroll up Park End Street and then New Road and you will come to the castle. You’ll see a big Norman mound out the front and a ruined tower behind, and you may as well have a quick walk around the courtyard. But if you take my advice then you will skip the guided tour because there are plenty better things worth seeing, and you don’t want to lock yourself into sixty minutes of this. So have a speedy look around and then continue down New Road and Queen Street.
If you fancy having a quick aerial view of the town then climb to the top of Carfax Tower on Queen Street. I was expecting something taller than The Shard by the way they were talking in the guidebook, but in reality it’s just a stubby little church tower. You have to clamber up several flights of very tight and windy iron and stone stairs and the view is only so-so, but hey, it’s only a few quid to get in so what the hell – let’s live a little.
Now have a stroll down St. Aldate’s and past Christ Church College. Enter the gate at the far end (past the main facade) and get your camera out. This is the Oxford that you came to see. This is the Oxford of Inspector Morse. You can see quite a lot of nice architecture out the front for free but I definitely recommend stumping up the entry fee. You’re not allowed to walk around the entire grounds (large parts of it are only open to the staff and students) but there’s enough there to make it worth your while. The inside reminds me of Hampton Court and Westminster Abbey with its cosy little courtyards and cloisters, and you can have a nose around the cathedral as well.
You’ll probably be lost when you come out of the exit, but try and find Merton Street because there are lots of very beautiful houses down there. It’s all stone cottages and cobbles and gaslight lampposts. When it bends around the corner you can check out Magdalen College (pronounced ‘Maudlin’) – another beautiful building. You can’t go inside it, unfortunately, but it’s near here where they do the punting on the river – keep going over the bridge and you’ll see them all lined up in the water.
Now double-back down the High Street (called ‘The High’) and turn right down Catte Street towards that interesting looking round building. That’s the Radcliffe Camera. I recommend trying the Bodleian Library tour as well (which includes the Radcliffe Camera). But first of all you need to find the ticket office… so prepare yourself for the best looking courtyard in town. Walk around to the other side of the Camera and through the central door in the building behind (signposted to the shop). I won’t say any more. I don’t need to – the courtyard through here will do all the talking for me. Aren’t you glad you came to Oxford now?
The Bodleian Library tours seem to book up really quickly so you’ll have to get lucky with the times (the first one I could book was for 3 PM, and that was at 12 noon). There are three different options available and all three of them take you into the Divinity School and Duke Humfrey’s wooden library, but if you want to see inside the Camera then you’ll have to splash out on the most expensive one. That’s the one that I did (but I still recommend doing the cheaper ones if that’s all you can get).
Once the tour has ended return to Catte Street and have a look down New College Lane at the famous Bridge of Sighs.
If you fancy having a long walk then continue in a straight line up Parks Road to Oxford’s equivalent of the Natural History Museum. It has the same sort of exhibits and it even looks the same inside, with the same colour bricks and side arches. But just wait until you wander into the room at the back (confusingly called the Pitt Rivers Museum, even though it’s in the same building) – it’s like Aladdin’s cave!
It’s full of cramped up cases packed with all sorts of treasures: sliced off scalps and shrunken heads, old Egyptian canoes and Eskimo suits. It might not sound very exciting on paper but it’s one of those rooms that you definitely have to see – it’s the way they’ve dressed it that makes it great. Don’t leave Oxford without seeing this room – it was one of the highlights of my day. If I discover that you left Oxford without seeing this room then I will be very unhappy with you.
Now all you have to do is find the Ashmolean Museum (head back down Parks Road and turn right down Broad Street). You can pop into the Museum of the History of Science along the way if you want, but I don’t recommend it. It’s full of old telescopes, watches and clocks. That impressive-looking round building next-door is the Sheldonian Theatre.
The Ashmolean Museum is Oxford’s version of the British Museum. If you like the British Museum then you will love it, but if you don’t then you won’t. Personally I can take it or leave it, but a lot of people will consider this the highlight of their day.
It’s quite good on Egyptian and Assyrian history, and there are plenty of pots and rocks and pipes and plates and slates (yawn). Then you repeat all of that for the Greeks: more pots pipes plates slates. Then you repeat it all again for the Romans: bones stones bricks sticks beads seeds. Then you do it all again for Asia, etc. (You can tell that I’m a total philistine when it comes to this kind of stuff – the Ashmolean is supposed to be one of the country’s great museums!) My favourite exhibit was probably downstairs in the art gallery where somebody had painted a bright green neon Hitler next to what looked like the two motorbiking cops from Chips – I thought that was quite amusing. That was more on my level.
And that’s about it really. That’s all of the must-see attractions in Oxford. It might have only taken you ten minutes to read it but that was five or six hours of walking around. If you still have some time left over then you might want to take a picture of the famous ‘dreaming spires’ halfway up The High (look up!). There are a few Tudor-style houses down Cornmarket Street which are quite nice as well.
Guidebooks always mention the Covered Market but I thought it was a bit of a letdown to be honest – it’s just a normal everyday market. I used the remainder of my time on a city sightseeing bus. You can catch it outside Christ Church College and pay for a ticket on the bus, or buy one in the little shop at the bottom of Carfax Tower. It only takes an hour to complete the entire circuit and it’s an easy way to learn about the city’s history.
If you enjoy Oxford then you might like to try Cambridge and Bath
