They have doorman at Harrods wearing frock-coats and olive green gloves and when I was younger I remember trying to walk in wearing ripped jeans. This was way before ripped jeans were a fashion statement (they were just ripped, for real) and the old guy on the door wouldn’t let me in! These days I’m a bit better dressed so I get in easy-peasy. To be honest I’m not even sure they have a dress code any more judging by some of the scruffs walking around, so maybe they’ve relaxed the rules. They let me in, for starters, so that is clear evidence of a drop in standards.
Before you go inside check out all those lightbulbs on the front. There are thousands of them (literally thousands) and if you come back at nighttime then the whole place will be lit up like a Christmas tree. It looks like Chevy Chase’s house in Christmas Lampoons.
The Food Halls
The confectionary hall looks like Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. They’ve got orange segments dipped in dark chocolate for two quid a go, rose cream fondants with rose paper petals, bright pink macaroons for three quid fifty, stem gingers, decorated truffles and little whipped cones in edible gold paper.
Even the teabags cost a fortune. You can forget about buying a bargain box of PG Tips in here because what they’ve got are tea leaves chopped from the top of a Peruvian mountain. Everything comes boxed in a decorated metal tin… they’ve got breakfast tea, morning tea, afternoon tea, early afternoon tea, late afternoon tea and evening tea in gold tins, silver tins, caskets, baskets, jams, hams, glacé fruits, nuts, grapes, dates and cakes. All of the food halls are fabulously ornate, staffed by a cast in boaters and blue-and-white striped aprons. They’ve got a sit-down caviar bar as well, if you feel like sampling some of that.
Next-door they have all of the exotics fruits on show: dates from Jordan, coconuts from Thailand, pomegranates from Peru and nuts from all over the place (too many to mention). The potatoes look like they’ve been buffed up out the back, and their button mushrooms are whiter than my teeth! And don’t even get me started on the lettuces… their green leaves look like they have been styled by a hairdresser.
If you want to buy something that is actually affordable then check out the boulangerie. They’ve got some bread rolls in there that are so overstuffed with ham and salad that they look like one of those suitcases that you have to jump up and down on to squeeze all your clothes inside.
I thought I might be able to afford something in the stationary section but the fountain pens were 400 quid a pop. They’ve got some really nice pads and notebooks as well, all leather-bound and hand-stitched with golden braid.
To be honest I always feel a bit self-conscious when I’m walking through Harrods. I don’t mind walking around the teas and sweets because that’s where all the normal people like you and me go, but the watch and jewellery floors look like bank lobbies with mirrored glass and marble floors. Some of their artworks look like they’re on loan from the Courtauld. The vases might have come straight from the V&A.
Egyptian Hall and escalator
The Egyptian Hall is definitely worth a look. Don’t just ogle at the first Egyptian obelisk and leave though, because what you need to see is the Egyptian escalator in the middle of the store.
And don’t forget to nip inside the toilets and the lift either. And yes, I am being totally serious… the toilets and the lift. If you want to have a wee in luxurious surroundings then this is where you should do it (in the toilets, I mean, not the lift). They even have one of those blokes who stands in the corner handing out paper towels when you’ve finished.
If you enjoy this then try Fortnum & Mason (walk it in 26 mins or travel from Knightsbridge to Piccadilly Circus by underground) and Selfridges (walk it in 24 mins or catch a tube from Knightsbridge to Bond Street)
If you want to buy something that is actually affordable at Harrods (and get a green bag) then try their boulangerie. Their bread rolls are so overflowing with ham and salad that they remind me of those holiday suitcases you have to sit on to squeeze all your clothes inside pic.twitter.com/tQDZBD9b28
— This is London (@londondrum) December 4, 2024
